I Have to Believe

I have to believe
That He sees my darkness
I have to believe
He knows my pain
I have to lift up
My hands to worship
Worship His name

I have to declare
That He is my refuge
I have to deny
That I am alone
I have to lift up
My eyes to the mountain
It's where my help comes from

Oh yeah
He said that He's forever faithful
He said that He's forever true
He said that He can move mountains
If He can move mountains
He can move my mountain
He can move your mountain, too

Oh, I have to stand tall
When the wind blows me over
I have to stand strong
When I'm weak and afraid
I have to grab hold
Ahold of the garments
The garments of praise

I know, I know, I know
Cause He said that He's forever faithful
And He said that He's forever true
He said that He can move mountains
If He can move mountains
He can move my mountain
He can move your mountain, too

I have to sing praise
When the hour is midnight
He unlocks these chains
That bind up my soul
My sin and my shame
He has forgiven and made me whole

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Cause He said that He's forever faithful
And He said that He's forever true
He said that He can move mountains
He said that He can move mountains
He said that He can move mountains
If He can move mountains
He can move my mountain
He can move your mountain, too

I have to believe
I have to believe
He's got everything under control
I have to believe
Lord, I believe
Help my unbelief
I have to believe in You
I have to believe


I Have to Believe, Rita Springer

Part of the Journey

There are those moments when the memories come flooding back, or something seemingly insiginificant reminds me of an inside joke or delight. It is at those times too that the questions flood my mind . . . Like I wrote in my last few posts, trust is a constant journey for me, especially in these days. It's an unending battle to keep from hiding my heart, to keep from protecting it at all costs. You will need to be patient with me, I need time to learn to trust again. I'm just learning to trust that it's okay. Learning to trust that it's okay that I still care for you, that it's okay if I can't show that, that it's okay to have questions.

I want to rest, I want to trust . . . I want these words to be the words of my heart.


Jesus, I am resting, resting,
In the joy of what Thou art;
I am finding out the greatness
Of Thy loving heart.
Thou hast bid me gaze upon Thee,
And Thy beauty fills my soul,
For by Thy transforming power,
Thou hast made me whole.

Jesus, I am resting, resting,
In the joy of what Thou art;
I am finding out the greatness
Of Thy loving heart

O, how great Thy loving kindness,
Vaster, broader than the sea!
O, how marvelous Thy goodness,
Lavished all on me!
Yes, I rest in Thee, Belovèd,
Know what wealth of grace is Thine,
Know Thy certainty of promise,
And have made it mine.

Simply trusting Thee, Lord Jesus,
I behold Thee as Thou art,
And Thy love, so pure, so changeless,
Satisfies my heart;
Satisfies its deepest longings,
Meets, supplies its every need,
Compasseth me round with blessings:
Thine is love indeed!

Ever lift Thy face upon me
As I work and wait for Thee;
Resting ’neath Thy smile, Lord Jesus,
Earth’s dark shadows flee.
Brightness of my Father’s glory,
Sunshine of my Father’s face,
Keep me ever trusting, resting,
Fill me with Thy grace.

Jesus I am Resting, Resting, recorded by FFH

Blessed Be the Name of the Lord

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

When I can say blessed be the name of the Lord,
when I can trust the Lord's provision,
when I can bless the other person

in spite of my disappointment,
in spite of my questions,
in spite of my worry,

through the chaos,
through the calm,

as I learn to trust beyond my circumstances
as I discover what it means to be broken and remolded
as He uses the broken pieces, leaving the signs of His faithfulness

may it all be a testimony to His grace
may it all be for His glory.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

my hands hold safely to my dreams
clutching tightly not one has fallen
so many years have shaped each one
reflecting my heart, showing who I am
now You're asking me to show
what I'm holding oh so tightly
can't open my hands, can't let go
does it matter?
should I show You?
can't You let me go?

surrender, surrender
You whisper, gently
You say I will be free
I know but can't You see
my dreams are me

You say You have a plan for me
and that You want the best for my life
told me the world had yet to see
what You can do with one that's committed to Your call
I know of course what I should do
that I can't hold these dreams forever
if I give them now to You
will You take them away forever
or can I dream again?


Surrender, Barlow Girl

Transparency

As this school year quickly comes to an end, I find myself overwhelmed by so many things, so many thoughts. Not only are finals looming ahead . . . worms, wheezes and weird diseases . . . Esther, Nahum, Jeremiah . . . the raptures's impact on our worldview, the structure of the church . . . correlation, standard deviation and z-scores . . . But, I often realize I am also stuck in a whirldwind, stuck on a roller coaster. Emotions that I want to stuff inside, yet pull out and shake off. Emotions that make me feel all mixed up inside about the idea of coming home. . . I miss so many people: my family and friends; I long for coffee chats with friends, and catch-up sessions with those I haven't seen in months. I want to talk with someone who has been where I have been, someone who is where I am now. I have several ideas for this summer . . . working some more on putting together an album of recipes from my family . . . probably working random jobs in order to make enough money . . . reading books . . .

Yet, I also am aware of the stark absence of one person. At times I wonder how I will ever find enough things to do. It's so much easier out here, where life never included him. I don't always have to deal with it out here. But, at home, I fear a completely different story . . .

A mix of homesickness, the roller coaster of loss and heartache, I'm all a-jumble inside. I'm wishing I could do things that I can't and go places that I can't, out of respect and sensitivity to the situation. Sometimes I wish I wasn't so cautious about protecting the other person.

I wish you would know that I am not as strong as you think I am. No, I haven't been crushed; I am continuing on, remembering that God walked with me into this season for a reason . . . and He continues to walk with me. I'm still me, but I try to hide the tears, the fears. I lost my best friend, one of my biggest supporters, one of my biggest encouragements. It still hurts; to be honest, I haven't had time to process all of my thoughts, which has been nice in some ways, but now I fear those moments. Sometimes I just want to put my heart in a box and lock it and stuff it under my bed. I have so many questions, questions that require one thing that I despise: patience.

I want you to know that this post is not a picture of a 24/7 Mopey; but, I think we often stuff things inside, refusing to reveal our true feelings because we want to look like we have it all together. But I want to be transparent. Do you remember when I said I want to be more genuine? Well, I'm trying. I want you to know that I'm not always as strong as you said I was.

I can't wait to look back some day and see the purpose, to see how God is glorified in this process. He is faithful and He is my Jehovah Jireh . . . the provider of everything I need to live a life that brings glory to His name.

None But Jesus

In the quiet, in the stillness
I know that You are God
In the secret of Your presence
I know there I am restored

When You call I won’t refuse
Each new day again I’ll choose

There is no one else for me
None but Jesus
Crucified to set me free
Now I live to bring Him praise

In the chaos, in confusion
I know You’re Sovereign still
In the moment of my weakness
You give me grace to do Your will

When You call I won’t delay
This my song through all my days

All my delight is in You Lord
All of my hope, all of my strength
All my delight is in You Lord Forevermore


None But Jesus, Hillsong United

Just honesty, is all.

I'm tired of this roller coaster; I want to get off. Life is so busy that I have little time for processing, little time to let the emotions out that threaten to boil over.


Adonai
I lift up my heart and I cry
My Adonai
You are maker of each moment
Father of my hope and freedom
Oh my Adonai


Adonai, Avalon

I Need You

My heart is restless in me
My wings are all worn out
I'm walking in the wilderness
And I cannot get out
I need You, Oh, I need You
Blessed Savior come
I need You, Oh, I need You
You're the every longing of my soul

Oh, how I need You, Lord
I need Your perfect Word
With tearful eyes to see
The sin that I afford
I need to weep and pray
For all the thousand ways
That I have failed You just today

My bed is soaked with sadness
My sadness has no end
A downward spiral of despair
And I keep falling in
I need You, Oh, I need You
To You my soul shall fly
I need You, Oh, I need You
Yahweh, how I love You more than life

Oh, how I need You, Lord
I need Your perfect Word
With tearful eyes to see
The sin that I afford
I need to weep and pray
For all the thousand ways
That I have failed You just today

Your silence is like death to me
So won't You hear my desperate plea

Today my soul is soaring
Way over mountains high
Though I can see the valleys,
They're all just passing by
It's not that I am stronger
Look at my feeble wings
But I've been lifted higher
Yahweh's lifted me in His own strength

Oh, how I love You, Lord
I love Your perfect Word
With tearful eyes to see
The God who always will endure
Now I will celebrate
For all the thousand ways
That You have shown me grace
And made my heart in grace to stay
You've made my heart in grace to stay
You've made my heart in grace to stay



I Need You, Josh Bales

This song was recorded by The Swift, but it was originally written by Josh Bales. Josh is an talented, amazing worship leader and we had the privilege of worshiping with him in chapel yesterday and today (two years in a row; loved both years!). If you haven't heard of him, check him out . . . And make this the first song that you listen to! : ) Check out Josh on Free Napster: http://free.napster.com/view/artist/index.html?id=12294308

In My Boat

This evening held several revelations---

Encouragement is something near and dear to my heart. It's something that I thrive on---I love others by giving it and I survive by receiving it. Whether it be nature, nurture, or supernatural (I vote the latter), encouragement is part of who I am. Granted, there are days that I don't succeed . . . I'm just as human as you. But, I find incredible joy in knowing that a word may bless another, brighten a day, or provide a refreshing boost. I've been challenged recently by the struggle of wanting to encourage someone, but not being able to do so for various reasons. As I chatted with a friend tonight, I suddenly realized that while I miss the opportunity to support that person in their challenging journey, I should be pouring that encouragement into other people. God designed the Body for a reason, so that each person can minister and be ministered to. There is a reason for this season, for this place, for these people; I just need to be a willing vessel.

And, how nice it is to realize that a dear friend is in the same boat as you . . . What an encouragement to know that someone else knows the feelings, the thoughts, the questions. Yes, details of the circumstances may be different, but the essence, the need for patience is the same. (As is our strong dislike of the word, patience!) At a time when most people can't relate, it is a refreshing blessing to chat with someone who can challenge you, encourage you, and walk with you . . . and that you can do the same for them.

Hope

In the name of the Father
In the name of the Son
in the name of the Spirit
Lord we come

We're gathered together
to lift up Your name
to call on our Savior
to fall on Your grace

Hear the joyful sound
of our offering
as Your saints bow down
as Your people sing
we will rise with You
lifted on Your wings
and the world will see that

Our God saves
Our God saves
there is hope
in Your name

Mourning turns
to songs of praise
Our God saves
Our God saves

Hear the joyful of our offering
As Your saints bow down
As Your people sing
We will rise with You
Lifted on Your wings
And the world will see that
Yes, the world will see that . . .

(Our God Saves, Paul Baloche)

I want to be a testimony of that hope. In the midst of being honest, I hope that my posts don't make me sound like a helpless, hopeless, woe-is-me soul.

No, mourning turns to songs of praise because our God saves!

Even the Broken Pieces

What to write? Life is a fast-paced jumble right now! I can hardly believe that I just returned to the wilderness, er, midwest to finish my last 6 weeks of school! At that point, I will be half-way through my bachelor's degree, and two years closer to the reality of life after school . . . which is a scary yet exciting thought at the same time. : )

It goes without saying that life has been challenging. I know that the challenges in life are meant to bring us to Christlikeness . . . so we should be appreciative of them. I know that difficulties stretch us, grow us, mold us. Yet, I wish it wasn't so painful; I wish it wasn't so hard; or at least I wish the journey was shorter! But, since that isn't possible . . . honesty is the best policy.

After deep loss, experiencing the bumps along the way, the painful moments, the days that my heart and mind work through a wide array of emotions . . . hurt, disappointment, peace, sadness, doubt, grief, contentment, abandonment, apathy, emptiness, determination. I know there will be more bumps to come; they always show up at the most random times, and always when I think I am doing "fine." I continue on this journey, hoping, trusting that this too will bring God glory.

And, through it all, praying and trusting that the Potter is molding and using this Lady in Waiting in His timing, through His way, and for His glory. And even when the pottery crumbles or breaks, the Potter will gently continue to mold, using the broken pieces but leaving the signs of brokeness to be a testimony to His faithfulness, grace and strength.

a few changes in life.

a vast buffet of thoughts.

a large selection of emotions.

a wide array of blessings.

just as wide an array of challenges.

Hold Me Jesus

Well, sometimes my life just don't make sense at all
When the mountains look so big
And my faith just seems so small

So hold me Jesus, 'cause I'm shaking like a leaf
You have been King of my glory
Won't You be my Prince of Peace

And I wake up in the night and feel the dark
It's so hot inside my soul
I swear there must be blisters on my heart

So hold me Jesus, 'cause I'm shaking like a leaf
You have been King of my glory
Won't You be my Prince of Peace

Surrender don't come natural to me
I'd rather fight You for something I don't really want
Than to take what You give that I need
And I've beat my head against so many walls
Now I'm falling down, I'm falling on my knees
And this Salvation Army band is playing this hymn
And Your grace rings out so deep
It makes my resistance seem so thin

I'm singing hold me Jesus, 'cause I'm shaking like a leaf
You have been King of my glory
Won't You be my Prince of Peace
You have been King of my glory
Won't You be my Prince of Peace

Rich Mullins

Lead Me to the Cross

Savior I come
Quiet my soul remember
Redemptions hill
Where Your blood was spilled
For my ransom
Everything I once held dear
I count it all as lost

Lead me to the cross
Where Your love poured out
Bring me to my knees
Lord I lay me down
Rid me of myself
I belong to You
Lead me, lead me to the cross

You were as I
Tempted and trialed
You are
The word became flesh
Bore my sin and death
Now you're risen

To your heart
To your heart
Lead me to your heart
Lead me to your heart


Hillsong United

Vision of You

I know I posted this song before, but it's a good one, so here it is again!

Come meet us, King Jesus
Oh wind of change blow through this temple
Sweet Spirit of God, come and mend our hearts
For all we have are songs
Unless You come

Awaken what’s inside of me
Tune my heart to all You are in me
Even though You’re here God come
And may the vision of You
Be the death of me
And even though you’ve given everything
Jesus come

Come free us, King Jesus
It’s the only way that freedom’s given
From You and You alone
In the work You’ve already done
For all we have are songs,
Unless You come

Here we are, Lord
In this place
Crying out for
Your embrace
To hear Your voice
More than songs
Please come
Jesus come


Shane and Shane

Set the World on Fire

I wanna set the world on fire
Until it's burning bright for You
It's everything that I desire
Can I be the one You use?

I, I am small but
You, You are big enough
I, I am weak but
You, You are strong enough to

Take my dreams
Come and give them wings
Lord with You
There's nothing I can not do
Nothing I cannot do

I wanna feed the hungry children
And reach across the farthest land
And tell the broken there is healing
And mercy in the Father`s hands

My hands my feet
My everything
My life, my love
Lord, use me

I wanna set the world on fire
I wanna set the world on fire, yeah

I'm gonna set the world on fire
Set the world on fire

Britt Nicole

Vision of You

Come meet us, King Jesus
Oh wind of change blow through this temple
Sweet Spirit of God, come and mend our hearts
For all we have are songs
Unless You come

Awaken what’s inside of me
Tune my heart to all You are in me
Even though You’re here God come
And may the vision of You
Be the death of me
And even though you’ve given everything
Jesus come

Come free us, King Jesus
It’s the only way that freedom’s given
From You and You alone
In the work You’ve already done
For all we have are songs,
Unless You come

Here we are, Lord
In this place
Crying out for
Your embrace
To hear Your voice
More than songs
Please come
Jesus come


Shane and Shane

I Am Not Alone

You're here
In my heart
You're the Light
That guides me through the dark

You walk beside me
The night seems cold
Each time I fall
Your arms are there to hold


You walk beside me
Giving strength I've never known
I am not alone
You walk beside me


You're here
In my mind
I talk to you
And all my fears unwind
I know I'm loved for who I am
You make me wanna be the best I can

And I rely on your patience
When I face the unknown
and because of you
I am not alone

In the sun, In the rain
Through the good times and the pain
I reach out for your hand
I know that you understand


Natalie Grant

Please know that you are loved. He is enough for you, and we are here for you.

Does anybody know how I feel?
Sometimes I'm numb, sometimes I'm overcome
Does anybody care what's going on?
Do I have to wear my scars like a badge on my arm
For you to see me, I need release

Do I have to scream for you to hear me?
Do I have to bleed for you to see me?
'Cause I grieve, you're not listening to me
Do I need to scream?

Has anybody seen what's been done?
Where was my defense? No one heard my protest
The eyes of God were watching me
It's time to make my peace, let it go and be released
So I can breathe again
I'm on my knees

I've been marked, set apart
But I'm cut so deep and afraid of the dark
One drop of blood from the hole in Your hand
Is enough to heal me and make me stand

'Cause I'm clean, He is listening to me

I don't have to scream for Him to hear me
Don't have to bleed for Him to see me
'Cause I'm clean, He is listening to me
I don't have to scream
I don't have to bleed
'Cause I'm clean, He is listening
And I don't have to scream

ZOEgirl, Scream

Snip-its

Coming out of such a busy, relentless week, I didn't have the chance---or take the time---to do devotions this week... So, today I took some time to just sit and read some devotionals. Some snip-its stuck out to me, so I thought I'd update with a post : )

From J.M. Farro, God Cares About the Details

...The Lord knows that we are in a constant battle against good and evil in this world, and He's aware of how weary we can get. He longs to encourage us regularly with countless little blessings, as well as with big ones. These little encouragements can give us the lift we need to keep pressing on to the victory when we've been tempted to lose heart. Sometimes I feel like I need a special touch from God, so I pray something like, "Lord, do something new and wonderful in my life!" I may not even know what it is that I want Him to do, but He knows, and He never disappoints me.

Don't let anyone tell you that God doesn't care about the little details of your life. There are plenty of believers who are constantly proving otherwise, and I'm one of them. My friend Peggy is another. Jesus said, "Ask, using my name, and you will receive, and your cup of joy will overflow." (John 16:24 TLB) Don't wait a minute longer. Take the Lord up on His offer today, and let Him prove to you once again that He is true to His Word. May this precious promise from God encourage your heart today--"The steps of the godly are directed by the Lord. He delights in every detail of their lives"! (Psalm 37:23 NLT)...

From Devotional Classics, excerpts from Bernard of Clairvaux's On the Love of God

... No one deserves our love more [than God]...he gave himself for us despite the fact that we are so undeserving...

...True love is precisely this: that it does not seek its own interests...

The First Degree of Love: Love of Self for Self's Sake
...Seeking first the kingdom means to prefer to bear the yoke of modesty and restraint rather than allow sin to reign in your mortal body... How can we have a pure love for our neighbor if we do not love him in God? And you cannot love your neighbor unless you love God

The Third Degree of Love: Love of God for God's Sake
...We have obtained this degree when we can say, "Give praise to the Lord for he is good, not because he is good to me, but because he is good."

They that Wait

They that wait on the Lord shall renew their strength
They will mount up with wings like an eagle
They will run and not grow weary at all
They will walk and will not faint


Jesus, we will wait on you
Oh hear our cry again
Jesus, we will wait on you
as you renew us from within
We will hold onto your promises
until you come again
We will wait on you


They that wait on the Lord shall renew their strength
They will mount up with wings like an eagle
They will run and not grow weary at all
They will walk and will not faint

Matt Goss Band