I'm Not Who I Was

I wish you could see me now
I wish I could show you how
I'm not who I was
I used to be mad at you
A little on the hurt side too
But I'm not who I was

I found my way around
To forgiving you
Some time ago
But I never got to tell you so

I found us in a photograph
I saw me and I had to laugh
You know, I'm not who I was
You were there, you were right above me
And I wonder if you ever loved me
Just for who I was

When the pain came back again
Like a bitter friend
It was all that I could do
To keep myself from blaming you

I reckon it's a funny thing
I figured out I can sing
Now I'm not who I was
I write about love and such
Maybe 'cause I want it so much
I'm not who I was

I was thinking maybe I
I should let you know
I am not the same
But I never did forget your name
Hello

Well the thing I find most amazing
In amazing grace
Is the chance to give it out
Maybe that's what love is all about

I wish you could see me now
I wish I could show you how
I'm not who I was


I'm Not Who I Was, Brandon Heath


Hmmmm. Yesssss.

Groanings. Or Gibberish?

In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God's people in accordance with the will of God. And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

The passage says the Spirit intercedes for us when we are too weak to know how to pray. He intercedes not because we simply don't pray---but when we don't know how to pray.
Imagine this poignant scene. The child of God musters her last bit of strength to collapse before the throne of God. Words do not come---just groanings. . . The Spirit of God searches her heart, gathers her pain, and lifts it to the Father of all comfort. The Spirit of God, knowing both the depth of her agony and the will of the Father, can bring forth glory from even this. He insists that the Father usher overflowing comfort. He urges the child to let the Father have His way. He prays for things she could not bear to pray---that she lacks the courage to pray. He prays for glory.

(Whispers of Hope, Beth Moore)


There are those things, those dates, those memories that nobody knows about. Or maybe a few people do, or maybe they've forgotten just like I almost forgot---until it hits hard and heavy. Those times when we're not sure how to pray. Those times when we're so excited but so confused. . . and absolutely impatient in every sense. Trust. Wait. Why?!

I'm beginning to see a purpose in the mountain I crashed into earlier this year. The last few months have been an incredible, personal journey of discovery, calling and sparked interests. It's difficult to describe in a few paragraphs what has changed, what visions have changed, how the focus has changed, how the heart of the matter has changed. . . But, life is no longer focused on me and getting my life right. . . These days I am feeling so antsy to be beyond these institutional walls. . . I'm feeling more and more ready to be working, serving, living . . . living Christ's love, living as a citizen of another kingdom.

But the mountain is still there. The wish for a teammate is still there. More evident on some days, like today, than on others. I still don't know how to pray. Praying for God's will, yes. But, also feeling the necessity to pray honestly.

And hoping that there is some type of translation happening to this gibberish running through my mind.

Love Them Like Jesus

The love of her life is drifting away
They're losing the fight for another day
The life that she's known is falling apart
A fatherless home, a child's broken heart

You're holding her hand, you're straining for words
You trying to make - sense of it all
She's desperate for hope, darkness clouding her view
She's looking to you

Just love her like Jesus,
carry her to Him
His yoke is easy,
His burden is light
You don't need the answers to all of life's questions
Just know that He loves her and stay by her side
Love her like Jesus
Love her like Jesus

The gifts lie in wait, in a room painted blue
Little blessing from Heaven would be there soon
Hope fades in the night, blue skies turn to gray
As the little one slips away

You're holding her hand, you're straining for words
You're trying to make sense of it all
They're desperate for hope, darkness clouding their view
They're looking to you

Just love them like Jesus, carry them to Him
His yoke is easy, His burden is light
You don't need the answers to all of life's questions
Just know that He loves them and stay by their side
Love them like Jesus

Lord of all creation holds our lives in His hands
The God of all the nations holds our lives in His hands
The Rock of our salvation holds our lives in His hands
He cares for them just as He cares for you

So love them like Jesus, love them like Jesus
You don't need the answers to all of life's questions
Just know that He loves them and stay by their side
Love them like Jesus
Love them like Jesus

Love Them Like Jesus, Casting Crowns

Citizens of another Kingdom, this should be our aim: to love like Jesus.

Perseverance. Continued.

Sometimes I wish life didn't require perseverance. But, I guess we wouldn't learn, we wouldn't grow, we wouldn't become more Christ-like. It sure can be frustrating, though! This week was a challenging week; it was difficult to remain positive (I failed at that many times). . . for some reason a bitter or negative attitude, one full of complaints, just seems easier than the effort required to be positive.

Anyway, this week an opportunity to encouragement someone came during my clinical experience of observation in the OR and post-op recovery room (or PACU, for you medical professionals). I had the opportunity to watch an emergency surgery which was fascinating, but the circumstances surrounding the surgery were sad. However, I stayed with the patient during post-op, I could hold a hand, listen when the patient wanted to talk, and just be a quiet presence. But, it quickly became evident that the patient was a Christian. The patient was obviously sad and grieving, but the patient still recognized and testified that God is sovereign and uses all of our struggles to minister to others.

Wow. I was blessed and challenged. How the patient could find the strength to be an encouragement to others despite the circumstances was incredible. It also put my troubles into perspective, and reinforced to me the importance of reaching out to others despite our busyness, our struggles, our heartaches. It reminded of the healing that can come from taking the focus off of ourselves and putting the focus back on God, the author of all of our days.

Also, last weekend, one of the Cedarville '08 graduates was killed in a car accident. Obviously a shock to everyone, but in chapel two friends of the student shared that the verses marked by the ribbon in her Bible were Psalm 103: 13-17a

As a father has compassion on his children, so the Lord has compassion on those who fear him; for he knows how we are formed, he remembers that we are dust. As for man, his days are like grass, he flourishes like a flower of the field; the wind blows over it and it is gone, and its place remembers it no more. But from everlasting to everlasting the Lord's love is with those who fear him...

Alongside the verses, she had written something like "Life is short---live for eternity" (I can't remember the exact words, but it was enough to bring goosebumps and tears!) How minor my troubles seem in comparison to some and, in the midst of it all, God uses every moment to challenge us and encourage us. I am not guaranteed tomorrow or next week or after graduation, so how I am living today that brings glory to God?

Remembering that requries perseverance.

Take a Breath.

Nothing profound. It's just that I'm coming the end of my 7th week here at school, it's already October, clinical rotations are about to change, and fall break is in two weeks.

And there has barely been time for breathing.

'Tis life, I suppose; but somehow this part of life seems wicked fast---and yet I find myself wishing this stage would hurry up and end at the same time? What am I thinking. . . wishing an even faster-paced life on myself?!

There are parts of life I wish were different. Lord, teach me to treasure this time, this moment, this day. . . instead of always looking for that time, that moment, that day. Take these worries, these cares and use them for Your glory. Teach me to take time for You, to set aside time for You. Mold these desires, these deep wants. . . take them and prepare them for Your purposes. . . prepare them to be used as vessels of Your love.

And, while I wait. . .

Enough.

You are enough for me.