I Have to Believe

I have to believe
That He sees my darkness
I have to believe
He knows my pain
I have to lift up
My hands to worship
Worship His name

I have to declare
That He is my refuge
I have to deny
That I am alone
I have to lift up
My eyes to the mountain
It's where my help comes from

Oh yeah
He said that He's forever faithful
He said that He's forever true
He said that He can move mountains
If He can move mountains
He can move my mountain
He can move your mountain, too

Oh, I have to stand tall
When the wind blows me over
I have to stand strong
When I'm weak and afraid
I have to grab hold
Ahold of the garments
The garments of praise

I know, I know, I know
Cause He said that He's forever faithful
And He said that He's forever true
He said that He can move mountains
If He can move mountains
He can move my mountain
He can move your mountain, too

I have to sing praise
When the hour is midnight
He unlocks these chains
That bind up my soul
My sin and my shame
He has forgiven and made me whole

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Cause He said that He's forever faithful
And He said that He's forever true
He said that He can move mountains
He said that He can move mountains
He said that He can move mountains
If He can move mountains
He can move my mountain
He can move your mountain, too

I have to believe
I have to believe
He's got everything under control
I have to believe
Lord, I believe
Help my unbelief
I have to believe in You
I have to believe


I Have to Believe, Rita Springer

Part of the Journey

There are those moments when the memories come flooding back, or something seemingly insiginificant reminds me of an inside joke or delight. It is at those times too that the questions flood my mind . . . Like I wrote in my last few posts, trust is a constant journey for me, especially in these days. It's an unending battle to keep from hiding my heart, to keep from protecting it at all costs. You will need to be patient with me, I need time to learn to trust again. I'm just learning to trust that it's okay. Learning to trust that it's okay that I still care for you, that it's okay if I can't show that, that it's okay to have questions.

I want to rest, I want to trust . . . I want these words to be the words of my heart.


Jesus, I am resting, resting,
In the joy of what Thou art;
I am finding out the greatness
Of Thy loving heart.
Thou hast bid me gaze upon Thee,
And Thy beauty fills my soul,
For by Thy transforming power,
Thou hast made me whole.

Jesus, I am resting, resting,
In the joy of what Thou art;
I am finding out the greatness
Of Thy loving heart

O, how great Thy loving kindness,
Vaster, broader than the sea!
O, how marvelous Thy goodness,
Lavished all on me!
Yes, I rest in Thee, Belovèd,
Know what wealth of grace is Thine,
Know Thy certainty of promise,
And have made it mine.

Simply trusting Thee, Lord Jesus,
I behold Thee as Thou art,
And Thy love, so pure, so changeless,
Satisfies my heart;
Satisfies its deepest longings,
Meets, supplies its every need,
Compasseth me round with blessings:
Thine is love indeed!

Ever lift Thy face upon me
As I work and wait for Thee;
Resting ’neath Thy smile, Lord Jesus,
Earth’s dark shadows flee.
Brightness of my Father’s glory,
Sunshine of my Father’s face,
Keep me ever trusting, resting,
Fill me with Thy grace.

Jesus I am Resting, Resting, recorded by FFH

Blessed Be the Name of the Lord

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

When I can say blessed be the name of the Lord,
when I can trust the Lord's provision,
when I can bless the other person

in spite of my disappointment,
in spite of my questions,
in spite of my worry,

through the chaos,
through the calm,

as I learn to trust beyond my circumstances
as I discover what it means to be broken and remolded
as He uses the broken pieces, leaving the signs of His faithfulness

may it all be a testimony to His grace
may it all be for His glory.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

my hands hold safely to my dreams
clutching tightly not one has fallen
so many years have shaped each one
reflecting my heart, showing who I am
now You're asking me to show
what I'm holding oh so tightly
can't open my hands, can't let go
does it matter?
should I show You?
can't You let me go?

surrender, surrender
You whisper, gently
You say I will be free
I know but can't You see
my dreams are me

You say You have a plan for me
and that You want the best for my life
told me the world had yet to see
what You can do with one that's committed to Your call
I know of course what I should do
that I can't hold these dreams forever
if I give them now to You
will You take them away forever
or can I dream again?


Surrender, Barlow Girl

Transparency

As this school year quickly comes to an end, I find myself overwhelmed by so many things, so many thoughts. Not only are finals looming ahead . . . worms, wheezes and weird diseases . . . Esther, Nahum, Jeremiah . . . the raptures's impact on our worldview, the structure of the church . . . correlation, standard deviation and z-scores . . . But, I often realize I am also stuck in a whirldwind, stuck on a roller coaster. Emotions that I want to stuff inside, yet pull out and shake off. Emotions that make me feel all mixed up inside about the idea of coming home. . . I miss so many people: my family and friends; I long for coffee chats with friends, and catch-up sessions with those I haven't seen in months. I want to talk with someone who has been where I have been, someone who is where I am now. I have several ideas for this summer . . . working some more on putting together an album of recipes from my family . . . probably working random jobs in order to make enough money . . . reading books . . .

Yet, I also am aware of the stark absence of one person. At times I wonder how I will ever find enough things to do. It's so much easier out here, where life never included him. I don't always have to deal with it out here. But, at home, I fear a completely different story . . .

A mix of homesickness, the roller coaster of loss and heartache, I'm all a-jumble inside. I'm wishing I could do things that I can't and go places that I can't, out of respect and sensitivity to the situation. Sometimes I wish I wasn't so cautious about protecting the other person.

I wish you would know that I am not as strong as you think I am. No, I haven't been crushed; I am continuing on, remembering that God walked with me into this season for a reason . . . and He continues to walk with me. I'm still me, but I try to hide the tears, the fears. I lost my best friend, one of my biggest supporters, one of my biggest encouragements. It still hurts; to be honest, I haven't had time to process all of my thoughts, which has been nice in some ways, but now I fear those moments. Sometimes I just want to put my heart in a box and lock it and stuff it under my bed. I have so many questions, questions that require one thing that I despise: patience.

I want you to know that this post is not a picture of a 24/7 Mopey; but, I think we often stuff things inside, refusing to reveal our true feelings because we want to look like we have it all together. But I want to be transparent. Do you remember when I said I want to be more genuine? Well, I'm trying. I want you to know that I'm not always as strong as you said I was.

I can't wait to look back some day and see the purpose, to see how God is glorified in this process. He is faithful and He is my Jehovah Jireh . . . the provider of everything I need to live a life that brings glory to His name.

None But Jesus

In the quiet, in the stillness
I know that You are God
In the secret of Your presence
I know there I am restored

When You call I won’t refuse
Each new day again I’ll choose

There is no one else for me
None but Jesus
Crucified to set me free
Now I live to bring Him praise

In the chaos, in confusion
I know You’re Sovereign still
In the moment of my weakness
You give me grace to do Your will

When You call I won’t delay
This my song through all my days

All my delight is in You Lord
All of my hope, all of my strength
All my delight is in You Lord Forevermore


None But Jesus, Hillsong United

Just honesty, is all.

I'm tired of this roller coaster; I want to get off. Life is so busy that I have little time for processing, little time to let the emotions out that threaten to boil over.


Adonai
I lift up my heart and I cry
My Adonai
You are maker of each moment
Father of my hope and freedom
Oh my Adonai


Adonai, Avalon

I Need You

My heart is restless in me
My wings are all worn out
I'm walking in the wilderness
And I cannot get out
I need You, Oh, I need You
Blessed Savior come
I need You, Oh, I need You
You're the every longing of my soul

Oh, how I need You, Lord
I need Your perfect Word
With tearful eyes to see
The sin that I afford
I need to weep and pray
For all the thousand ways
That I have failed You just today

My bed is soaked with sadness
My sadness has no end
A downward spiral of despair
And I keep falling in
I need You, Oh, I need You
To You my soul shall fly
I need You, Oh, I need You
Yahweh, how I love You more than life

Oh, how I need You, Lord
I need Your perfect Word
With tearful eyes to see
The sin that I afford
I need to weep and pray
For all the thousand ways
That I have failed You just today

Your silence is like death to me
So won't You hear my desperate plea

Today my soul is soaring
Way over mountains high
Though I can see the valleys,
They're all just passing by
It's not that I am stronger
Look at my feeble wings
But I've been lifted higher
Yahweh's lifted me in His own strength

Oh, how I love You, Lord
I love Your perfect Word
With tearful eyes to see
The God who always will endure
Now I will celebrate
For all the thousand ways
That You have shown me grace
And made my heart in grace to stay
You've made my heart in grace to stay
You've made my heart in grace to stay



I Need You, Josh Bales

This song was recorded by The Swift, but it was originally written by Josh Bales. Josh is an talented, amazing worship leader and we had the privilege of worshiping with him in chapel yesterday and today (two years in a row; loved both years!). If you haven't heard of him, check him out . . . And make this the first song that you listen to! : ) Check out Josh on Free Napster: http://free.napster.com/view/artist/index.html?id=12294308