Transparency

As this school year quickly comes to an end, I find myself overwhelmed by so many things, so many thoughts. Not only are finals looming ahead . . . worms, wheezes and weird diseases . . . Esther, Nahum, Jeremiah . . . the raptures's impact on our worldview, the structure of the church . . . correlation, standard deviation and z-scores . . . But, I often realize I am also stuck in a whirldwind, stuck on a roller coaster. Emotions that I want to stuff inside, yet pull out and shake off. Emotions that make me feel all mixed up inside about the idea of coming home. . . I miss so many people: my family and friends; I long for coffee chats with friends, and catch-up sessions with those I haven't seen in months. I want to talk with someone who has been where I have been, someone who is where I am now. I have several ideas for this summer . . . working some more on putting together an album of recipes from my family . . . probably working random jobs in order to make enough money . . . reading books . . .

Yet, I also am aware of the stark absence of one person. At times I wonder how I will ever find enough things to do. It's so much easier out here, where life never included him. I don't always have to deal with it out here. But, at home, I fear a completely different story . . .

A mix of homesickness, the roller coaster of loss and heartache, I'm all a-jumble inside. I'm wishing I could do things that I can't and go places that I can't, out of respect and sensitivity to the situation. Sometimes I wish I wasn't so cautious about protecting the other person.

I wish you would know that I am not as strong as you think I am. No, I haven't been crushed; I am continuing on, remembering that God walked with me into this season for a reason . . . and He continues to walk with me. I'm still me, but I try to hide the tears, the fears. I lost my best friend, one of my biggest supporters, one of my biggest encouragements. It still hurts; to be honest, I haven't had time to process all of my thoughts, which has been nice in some ways, but now I fear those moments. Sometimes I just want to put my heart in a box and lock it and stuff it under my bed. I have so many questions, questions that require one thing that I despise: patience.

I want you to know that this post is not a picture of a 24/7 Mopey; but, I think we often stuff things inside, refusing to reveal our true feelings because we want to look like we have it all together. But I want to be transparent. Do you remember when I said I want to be more genuine? Well, I'm trying. I want you to know that I'm not always as strong as you said I was.

I can't wait to look back some day and see the purpose, to see how God is glorified in this process. He is faithful and He is my Jehovah Jireh . . . the provider of everything I need to live a life that brings glory to His name.